Akatsuki Espada Alliance
by OneWingedButterfly
Summary: Read if you like Naruto and Bleach. Aizen's dead so the Espada join with the Akatsuki. What kind of chaos happens with this? Read to find out. Warning: Crack randomness. And Oro's a pedo. Who is the father of Loly's child anyway? o.O
1. The Epic Decision!

**Kinky- Arigatou for checking out my story, "Akatsuki Espada Alliance. They well.. Join together and cause lots of fun trouble :D. This will be a very hilarious fanfic, so make sure to check it often. Thank you for reading.**

_**Chapter 1-**_

It was a beautiful day since Aizen's death and the Espada had nothing to do. Aizen had eaten a jalepano and couldn't breathe so he died a horrible, tragic, and somewhat hilarious death. Gin and Tousen went apart, Tousen mumbling something about justice, while Gin ran away muttering something about killing as many people as he could.

There they were, wandering the human world, wanting two things, a cookie and love.

Suddenly Orochimaru snuck up behind them.

"Would you like a cookie little kids?"

"Would I ever?"Luppi gasped.

"Luppi, don't take cookies from strangers." Zommari grunted.

"Little kid? I am 5,400,000,000 years old." Barragan snorted, as Luppi gobbled down the cookie, not listening to Zommari in the least bit.

"Umm… Luppi… I don't mean to pull a Zommari but is it just me or did you just take a cookie from a pedophile?" Ulquiorra asked him.

"Ulqui Kuuuun, no need to be jealous. Would you feel better if I gave you a kiss?"

Ulquiorra looked as if he were going to vomit and ran off to the nearest bathroom, as a child gasped. "The bathroom door opened by itself... It must be Jesus!"

"Kids!" Orochimaru ran off to stalk the poor, unsuspecting children.

Just then Pein appeared and glared at Orochimaru. "Oh no, not again..." He ran off screaming. "Oi Whitey! Don't touch that kid there!"

"My pee pee!" A kid screamed.

"Hidan!" Pein yelled. Another man with a giant scythe came over "You called?"

"Get whitey off the kids! You seem, to be the only one who can control him, since he's scared of Jashin."

"Why do I have to do your dirty work?"

"Because Jashin says so."

"Well why didn't you say that sooner?" He gasped and chased after Orochimaru.

"Who are you people?" Yammy asked.

"We're the Akatsuki." Pein stated.

"A what?" Nnoitra asked.

"Well that's nice and all, but are any of you tasty…?"Yammy started to lick his lips.

Ulquiorra, refreshed from the bathroom, ran smack into a strange boy with a mask on.

"Tobi's a good boy!" He said as he fell.

Hidan came back, dragging Orochimaru. "And this is why Jashin says Adultery is perfectly fine." Hidan finished. "Wait… Pein! Your'e not a Jashinist! Jashin didn't tell me to get whitey."

"Oh so you caught on did you?" Pein looked embarrassed.

"So you're the Akatsuki…"Syzael muttered.

"You know these nut jobs?" Grimmjow asked.

"They are said to be almost as strong as the Espada!" Syzael said. "I must see where you study… for I..., good sir, am I scientist.

"NERD!" Luppi yelled.

"Out lair is secret. To go, you must be an Akatsuki member."

The Espada members glanced at each other before nodding. "We'll become Akatsuki then." Stark the leader, nodded. "We have nothing else to do since our leader… Well…" He broke off thinking about the pathetic way Aizen had died and just stopped trying, before he did a very embarrassing face palm in public.

"We don't just let anyone join. How many babies does it take to paint the wall?"

"Depends how hard you throw them." Nnoitra laughed.

Pein gave them thumbs up. "You're most definitely in!"

_-Back at the Akatsuki lair-_  
"So.. you guys are all to be paired off and go live with your partner, while we lay low for a while. Then you shall help us in our plan… For world domination."

"Couldn't you come up with an original plot?" Asked Halibel.

"I'm not paid enough." Pein said.

"MONEY!" Kakuzu yelled in Hidan's ear.

"I am soo… glad… to get rid of you... as a partner..."Hidan snorted.

"Ok so.. The parirings are.

_Stark and Pein. _

_Barragan and Kisame._

_Halibel and Konan._

_Ulquiorra and Tobi._

_Nnoitra and Kakuzu._

_Grimmjow and Hidan._

_Zommari and Deidara._

_Syzael and Itachi._

_Araniero and Sasori._

_Yammy and Zetsu._

_And Luppi and Orochimaru._

Have any questions?"

"Why am I stuck with a gay guy" and "Why am I stuck with a pedophile" were both heard from Orochimaru and Luppi.

"Because you two both touch yourselves at night."

They both blushed and stayed quiet.

"Anymore questions from someone who's not a complete retard?"

_Silence._

"Dismissed."

-  
**Kinky- Please R&R and tell me if it's good or not =)**


	2. China plates can kill

**Hello, welcome to the 2nd chapter. I apologize, that I haven't updated my stories for a loooong ass time, but I'm working on them now xD I have lack of motivation problems.**

**Chapter 2-**

_-With Stark and Pein-_  
It was quiet… Too quiet... The lonely aspect was asleep, dreaming of Lillynette. "Wait... Why do I have a little girl as my fraccion? Am I Orochimaru... And if so... Why am I not white? What am I anyway… I look kind of Mexican. Am I Chad?" He was dreaming as Pein was on the couch, watching soap operas. "THAT'S IT! IM A BUTTERFLY!" He jolted awake. Realizing, that he had just shouted out something about being one of the most girly creatures ever, and yeah, he had a reputation to protect, he glanced over at Pein. To his surprise Pein wasn't even paying attention to him. He was looking at the Tv... **And. He. Was. Crying.**

"What the effffffffff?" Stark looked at the cold leader. "What in the hell are you doing?"

Pein glanced at the other, before breaking out in a hysterical sob festival. "Georgita's baby died..."

"Oh my God… Is that a friend of yours?" Stark sighed as he wrapped an arm around his roommate.

Pein gestured at the TV, of the girl in the Soap Opera crying, cuing Stark's eye to start hysterically twitching.  
"She really loved Jim, but he left her, the baby was the only thing she had left and now it's gone!"

Stark sighed. "You uh… How do I tell you...? That's fake… Umm… You knew that right?"

Pein gasped dramatically. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? DEIDARA HOW DARE YOU TELL ME SOAP OPERAS ARE REAL? I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES!"

Stark rested his head on his hands and sighed. _"My big toe hurts.. I think God is smiting me. Like he did Aizen. Although I don't have a taco."_

_-With Barragan and Kisame-_  
The sharky was flipping through the channel when Barragan snatched the remote. "Tv for more than two hours is bad for your eyes… And you don't want to get like me; Have a brain tumor. Why, when I was young, I didn't even have this thing called a boobtube."

Kisame grimaced. "It's called a TV, and if you didn't have one, than how'd it affect you now days. And if it affects your vision, why do you have a brain tumor?"

"I just passed wind..." Barragan hummed, completely ignoring the question.

Kisame's eye twitched. And not just once, but three times. "How old are you anyway? 5? Or 500?"

"Don't insult me! I'm not that old!" Barragan paused quietly for a few moments. "I saw the birth of Jesus Christ..."

_-With Halibel and Konan-_

-Impending doom sort of silence.-

"I am the Sacrifice..."Halibel said.

"I'm Konan." The other smiled.

"..."

"We phail at talking... Don't we?"

"I think we do..."

_-Ulqiorra and Tobi-_

Ulquiorra was doing **heavy** training. And I mean heavy... He grunted as he fell to his knees, trying to lift, the heavy weighted object that was known as two marshmallows stuffed on the ends of a twig. "997..." He lifted the weight above his head once again, before hearing a huge crash. "...The hell was that?" He ignored it. "998..."  
The crash grew louder and he realized, it was coming towards him...

"Who's there and what the hell are you doing?"

A creepy giggle echoed around the room. He tried to ignore it, and counted 999. "Oh my God, I'm almost at 1000, a new record" The giggle issued around the room again, he was finding it difficult to concentrate, not to mention the noise was sending shivers up his spine. He shook it off and began to lift it "Almost there..." A bead of sweat ran down his chin.

BANG. Something was flying right at him. He turned around just in time to see a white object. "What the-" The object, which appeared to be a good China plate, cracked over his head. The Predator came out from behind the bed.

"You..." Ulquoirra spat on the ground.

"Tobi's a good boy.." He said as he smiled, holding an axe. "Tobi will devour your human remains now.."

_-Nnoitra and Kakuzu-_

"Do you know you and Ikkaku's names sound wrong?" Nnoitra laughed.

"How so..?" Kakuzu looked at him, interested.

"Well… They both have 'cock' in the-"

That was enough time for Kakuzu to stab the shit out of Nnoitra's heart… With a butter knife.

"Its. Not. Working! I. Need. A. New. Heart!" Kakuzu yelled stabbing more vigorously each syllable he uttered.

"That's because I have no heart!" He chuckled and took a butcher knife, stabbing himself in the chest.

"No Nnoitra… That's Nobodies! You're an arrancar."

"Oh… Shi-" Nnoitra fell over dead.

"Well... Guess there's only one thing to do," Kakuzu murmured. "Poke his dead body with a stick! :D"

_-Grimmjow and Hidan-_

Hidan was trying to make sense of a book called "Cooking for dummies", which actually was his type of book, since he was reading it upside-down. He was reading how to make "Cup of Noodles", which everyone knew how to make except him. "So… What do I do after I put this in the microwave? Jashin says I should put Ketchup and Chocolate in it."

Grimmjow stared at him. "What are you attempting to do?"

"Figure out what the hell to do after I put this in the microwave." Hidan growled.

"That's easy, push the power button." Grimmjow smirked, smugly.

"This book says something about water..."

"Screw water! Just put it in a metal container with some soda in it."

"That sounds..." Hidan paused. "Delicious..."

5 minutes later, the house was on fire. Grimmjow looked at Hidan and Hidan stared back. "I'm makin' waffles." Grimmjow grunted and went back to what was left of the house.

_-Zommari and Deidara-_

Zommari was meditating ever so peacefully. Just then Deidara fell down the stairs landing on him. "Hey you… Get off of me."

"I'm so sorry Un! But it's gone Un!" Deidara started sobbing.

"What is?"

"My masterpiece of art! It was a statue of a women and a man making love Un!" Deidara sobbed.

"I have many eyes, I can find it."

"Mouths are better Un. You know why?"

The black man sighed. He just wanted to go back to his meditation. "Whhhyyyy...?"

"I can give multiple pleasures at once Un!"

Zommari sweat dropped as he went to meditating. _"Why even bother humoring him?"_

"Heeeey! I wasn't done Un!" The blonde yelled, but the 7th Espada was gone.

_-Szayel and Itachi.-_

Szayel had just finished cooking a decent meal and Itachi was simmering down for a nice evening. "Thanks for the meal Szayel San..." He said as he closed his eyes. Syzael had gone to his laboratory, when he heard Itachi scream.  
Running, he saw Itachi scared for his life, in the fetal position. "What... What is it... Is it a..." The dreaded word couldn't come out of his mouth. It was his worst fear, the thing that would kill him one day. He finally uttered it... A single, silent word. "Spider...?"

Itachi kept shivering. "No... It's not Syzael... You're food... It gave me... Uterine Cancer!"

"How do you know?" Syzael asked, shocked that his food could do something so horrible.

There was a hic-up noise in the air that drifted to Syzael's ear. "Did...Did that horrible noise come from you..?" Syzael started freaking out. "You can't have Uterine Cancer! No, it's not curable! You'll die in the matter of…" He looked at his watch. "5 Secon- Oh wait… Now..."

Itachi gasped, but was still alive. "I thought you said... I would die..."

"Wait... There's something important that I'm forgetting about this. I'll go do my research." He returned an hour later, to a freaked out Itachi. "Uh, Men don't have Uterus'. Oh and… You have the hiccups." He returned to his lab, leaving Itachi staring at the wall. "...I hate myself."

-Araniero and Sasori-  
"So... I heard you're a giant Octopus." Sasori whispered to Araniero, who was swatting flies.

"Uh… Yeah…" He murmured, uncomfortably.

"So… How do you... Ya know..?" Sasori looked at him.

"Uh... Well... I don't have a penis..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA-"Went on for hours, until Sasori shut up and glanced at him. "I don't either..."

"You want to scissor?"

"Sure!"

They had awkward, Gay, Scissoring for the rest of the night.

_-Yammy and Zetsu and all the other Bleach/Naruto Characters were having a party at Yammy and Zetsu's house.-_

"Maybe I can get Sakura..."Zetsu smiled. "Shut up bitch, like Sakura would ever want you… She'd want me." No me!" "Fuck off..." "You fuck off…" Zetsu had a very heated argument with himself over Sakura when Temari walked by. She was staring at him.

"Freak..." She went off to dance with Shikamaru.

Just then Loly approached Yammy. "Yammy... I think I'm pregnant... With your baby..."

Yammy gasped. "No way!"

"Well, it's either yours, Stark's, Barragan's, Halibel's, Ulquiorra's, Nnoitra's, Grimmjow's, Zommari's, Luppi's, Syzael's, Arraniero's, Tesla's, or Ggio's."

"You're a whore... And Halibel's a girl and Barragan… What the fuck?"

"He said he'd give me a used piece of Gum from Aizen's mouth... I had to have it!"

_-Orochimaru and Luppi.-_

Luppi was studying something so intently, he didn't noticed Orochimaru come in.

"What are you doing...?" Orochimaru's eye twitched as he saw what Luppi was studying. It was Deidara's missing statue. Luppi was positioning a chisel on the woman. He laughed manically as he chipped away the women, leaving only the man and his big, hard, you-know-whatty.

"Look at the man's big, hard, you-know-whatty," Luppi cooed as he fondled the statue.

"Deidara's gonna kill you… But I kind of like the sound of that..."Orochimaru smirked.

_-Back at the lair-_

"So what did everyone learn today?" Stark asked, before adding, "I learned that butterflies are closer than we think" , He glanced quickly at Pein when he said this.

"I learned that Soap Operas are fake!" Pein added, as Halibel gasped. "Noooo Johnny's not real?"

"Yes and neither is Edward Cullen, even though he's freaking hawt!" Luppi gloated.

_-Silence followed.-_

"Ok... Maybe not...?"Luppi frowned.

"I learned that Barragan's older than Confucius!"Kisame gasped.

"I learned that I can't hold in my farts anymore" Barragan frowned.

The girl's stepped up. "We learned, we fail at speaking… Like we are right now!"

Glancing around nervously Ulquiorra stated he learned it was a good thing to have regeneration.

"I learned that hollow meat is the other white meat." Tobi giggled, patting his tummy.

Nnoitra was lying on the floor, with his tongue sticking out.

"Kakuzu… Why is Nnoitra dead?" Pein asked.

"He's not dead... He's asleep."

"Oh ok."

Halibel checked his pulse. "He's dead..."

"Hey! I thought you said he wasn't dead."

After a while Nnoitra's heart was restored.

"I learned not to steal people's hearts." Kakuzu muttered "Not." Inaudibly.

"I learned that I'm an arrancar." Nnoitra gasped, feeling his face.

"Took you long enough…" Halibel sighed.

"Don't be that way Larxene" Nnoitra begged, causing Halibel to sigh. _"Apparently he didn't learn after all."_

"We learned not to cook."Grimmjow and Hidan sighed. After Grimmjow's attempt at Waffles, there was nothing left of the house.

"Cooking? Do you snort that or smoke that? And can I have some?" Nnoitra asked.

"I learned to literally not open my mouth, or I might get raped." Deidara squeaked.

"I learned absolutely nothing." Zommari said.

"We learned that men don't have Uterus'." Syzael said.

"Yammy... Is having trouble right now. He has a very bad hangover, from trying to convince Loly he wouldn't be a good father, by attempting to drink himself to death." Zetsu nodded and retreated back.

"I learned to stay away from Luppi... he took flamer to the next level."Orochimaru looked appalled.

"Only a statue..."Luppi looked down.

"MOTHER F-" Deidara took out a gun and shot Luppi.

**I've been writing for 2 and a half hours and yay Im done :DD**

**Pleeeeeease Review**!


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